This Christmas Eve was spent "Santa Tracking" with our daughter. I gotta say, Christmas with a 4 year old is epic, if for no other reason than she is all about pleasing Santa. Last night was the fastest request-to-bed time ever, and all I said was "Santa won't come until you are asleep". As if programmed or controlled by remote, she froze instantly and turned and went to her room. When I said, "Wait Baby Girl, I will put you to bed," she placed her hand on my leading arm and said "No, No, Mom there isn't time for a book (there were 20 minutes left, before lights out) so you should just stay in your room and let me go to sleep." What, the what??? Who the fuck are you and what have you done with my 4GoingOn14 child? Normally at lights out I am arguing with her about what "Lights Out" means and that it doe sn't including starting a 10 minute long book, refilling her water for the 3rd time, rearranging the stuffed animals or talking about waterslides at a hotel we stayed at 5 months ago. But not tonight - no- Santa was coming, she had to go.
I have NEVER encountered a kid that went to bed on first request in my life - it was unbelievable. Santa brings the FORCE!!! For a second I thought my kid was Steppford or something. Come to think of it, that Elf on the Shelf is pretty much a bad ass too. What power these mythical creatures have over our children - its friggen awesome! I mean, if "Santa Says" it... they BLINDLY agree. Why the hell can't there be a Santa for every month of the year?! Us parents could drop the mic and go get our toes done. It would be glorious.
What pains me though is that we are the (SPOILER ALERT) Santa, and the damn Elf. We make up the friggen rules; rules that are basically ignored by our children when we put them out. But a creepy ass stuffed doll, sitting on shelf... unadulterated obedience. And yes, I think the Elf is fucking creepy. Evoking a spirit onto any doll is just asking for trouble. Has no one ever watched a horror movie? I prefer not to poke the paranormal hive, thank you. There will be NO ELF on these shelves...no sir.
In any case, I love Santa. Santa is my homeboy. Anybody who can get my kid to simple just DO, even if for only a month, or a week, or hell, a single night - is down with me. And I love the idea of wonder. The excitement in a kid's eye when they see their brownies had been eaten (gonna need an extra 20 minutes on the treadmill for that shit) and the eruption of screaming when they see all their presents - its friggen awesome. I hope I can pull this shit off for a couple more years - that would be my idea of a Christmas Miracle! It reminds me that we all could use a little Wonder in our lives.
Santa - if you are listening - a winning lottery ticket would be key next year - thanks.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
Foul mouthed, outspoken and pretty much an eternal realist.