Adulting

Have you ever stopped and just wondered, "When the fuck did I become an adult"?  I feel like I do this far more often than I should at age 41. For some reason, my body tells me I am an adult, my age reminds me I am an adult, but my brain still wonders why I taking out the garbage cans like "a mom would do"...which I am, but still can't wrap my head around it.

For instance - I sometimes think about how grown up it would be to own a house, and cart around kids, and juggle work and personal life - you know - like old people do - and how far away from that I am.  And then I stop, look around, and realize that is my life.  I have totally turned into my mother! WTF?!?  When did that happen?  I mean, I remember when my Mom turned 40 - I am pretty sure I was 15 and living in Florida ( a place my whole family moved to because my dumb ass got into so much trouble they had to move me 3,000 miles away) and I just remember thinking - "40! That is so old! I will never be that old!" And yet, here I am.  That old plus 1.  

So why is that I wonder?  Why do I still feel like that "old person" is so far away from me? Why do I still feel like I should be able to drop everything and just take shots and dance on tables?  For those of you that know me well, it is most likely because you know I would still be the first to drop everything, take a shot, and dance on the nearest table - but that's not the point. The point is, I can't seem to grasp the fact that I am an adult.  It baffles me that as an adult, I still have the same damn  insecurities I did when I was 20, but now, they seem even more annoying because I feel like I should have grown out of them by now.  Like, why the hell have I spent 20 years thinking it would be 20 years till I got a clue - when in fact, I pretty much never would have clue!  It's a vicious, sick and twisted circle of life.

Here are some additional things I think about when I am in denial that I am an adult:
1)  I need a vacation.  I can just book a last minute ticket for the man and I and be sitting on a beach with a cocktail by tomorrow at noon. (oh wait, I have 2 kids and a dog to deal with).
2)  I hate this job - surely since I have no responsibilities, I could just quit and deal with it later. (Wake up bitch - the alarm is going off - it's 5:00 am- stop dreaming)
3) Disciplining a kid? Nah - I will be the cool mom,  my kid's best friend, they will be so awesome that I won't ever have to be a bad guy. (Nice try, TigerMom)
4) Hey old man driver, move over, young gun passing you on the left.  (wait, so I have been driving for way way more than half my life? My husband would argue that I am still the shittiest driver he knows - but fuck him - he is an AutoElitest.)
5) Oh, I'll just binge watch that show for 24 hours straight with no interruptions. (Tell that to your two-year old that wants Team UmiZumi morning, noon and night)
6) And while on the topic of binge-ing - sure I can eat pizza and Oreo Cakesters and ice cream with a side of wings and a shit ton of vodka and not gain a pound. (Fuck you brain, that isn't even funny to dream about. I eat a piece of lettuce and I gain 5lbs - #hormonessuck)
7) That little pee I did when I laughed, ya, that's just cuz I hadn't gone for a while.  (Ya, that my friend, is incontinence and it is a result of two kids, a shit-ton of exercise that is aging you and a failing pelvic floor.)
8) No problem, I will just go to the gym after work. (Sorry - the MomLyft is on shift today and everyday).

These and many other things flood my brain daily.  I guess the idea of adulting is easier to think as a distance. Denial is bliss.  As my mother always told me - you can't help growing old, but you can choose not to grow up.  Bravo Mom, Bravo.  I guess it's not so bad that I have turned into you.  LOVE.