Ah, Valentine's Day. Once, a holiday reserved for red roses, red wine and red lingerie, those memories seem like distant dreams, fading rapidly with each passing Mommy year. These days, instead of the excitement of companion surprises, drunken dinners, and even drunker sex, I now look forward to just another excuse for endless Mom self-shaming and compounding guilt.
This year, the first of what will be, like, another 12 years of elementary school Valentines (God-Willing), I totally effed up and didn't properly read the 6 paragraph note that told me I needed 29 total Valentines for my daughters Kindergarten class. Please note that my kid's actual class as "Later Gator" has only 11 kids, but apparently we have to buy for both the morning and late classes, and that all those Valentines were due on the Monday BEFORE Valentine's Day, which this year, falls on a Thursday. Of course, I only realized this the Tuesday AFTER the Monday deadline, having ordered these super cool Sunglasses Valentines that were scheduled to be delivered on the 13th. Best part? I thought I was being all hip by buying Valentines for all the kids in the After School Care program too. But of course, since I didn't buy enough of the expensive Snoopy ones for the whole 29 kid group, I now have to use the shitty After School Care set for the classroom, re-purposing the cool Snoopy ones for my 2 year old Son's class, resulting in a ridiculous surplus of shitty emogi glasses, since I won't have enough for the fucking After School Care kids, because there are like 40 of those bastards.
Yep, as is so signature Me, I am too little, too late on the Valentine's task. Of course my Mom Besties (who I adore by the way), OverAchiever and Pinterest Queen have not only completed their Valentines, but turned them in by the 4 day ahead deadline. So while I want to hate them for having it all put together, I also can't, because had I not texted them panicked about the date deadline I had just read, secretly praying that they had fucked up like me, but not being even remotely surprised when, of course, they had been done for days, I would have sent too few. I basically have to thank them for causing me Mom Shame. Ya ya, I get it, nobody can make me feel that way but me, but right now, fuck that, I am already feeling guilty, I at least need to deflect some of this shame by saying my amazing friends are FuckTards when they are on point. To hell with ownership, for the moment, I will be weak and petty and shame them for being too perfect.
Side note, Mom self-shaming is a bitch. Why do we feel we need to compare ourselves to other moms, and why the fuck can't we just be proud of the fact that we are keeping these small humans alive? Why is it that the minute I see that I missed one of the 76 ongoing kid deadlines, I go straight to: "Oh shit! My kid is going to be the only kid without Valentines and she will be humiliated, and she is already having trouble bonding with kids in her class, this is going to make it worse, and she is going to be the only depressed Kindergartner, which will lead to her being a depressed adolescent that will most likely be prescribed Lithium, which will result in excessive drug use in Middle School that will then, of course, lead to her hanging out with all the wrong kids going into High School. And once in High School she will somehow end up fatally attracted to the Christian Slater from "Heathers" type kids and her lack of self-control due to all the drugs and depression will make her vulnerable and manipulable to enter into suicide pacts with other misunderstood youths and then I will need to 5150 her ass and check her into some posh rehab like Brittany Spears where she will shave off all her hair and try to marry her long lost pre-school friend whom she happened to see in group therapy because they just can't believe that fate would bring them together. All because I fucked up her Kindergarten Valentines."
WHAT THE FUCK??! So basically I just said my future daughter will essentially be DESTROYED because I was late on her Valentines in Kindergarten?!?! And let's be clear...they will still be there in time for actual Valentine's Day. And take a look above, those things are fucking awesome. Since you can't actually give candy anymore because the world seems to be alleregic to fucking oxygen these days, the next best thing, in my opinion, is a pair of sunglasses. But somehow, for some sick and twisted reason, I still fully shame myself for not having them in by the Monday deadline. That spiraled "futurecast" is some fucked up shit - and not even remotely true. Possible, sure. Probable, not really. More likely, my constant nagging on my daughter, trying to make her a well poised, strong, independent women ready to fight this ugly world, will fuck her up more than any totally unnoticed valentine deadline. But nonetheless, here I am, tearing myself apart over something that may not even remotely be a problem. Actually, I just IM'd the teacher, it for sure won't be a problem, so I need to let it go...suicide pact crisis averted for another day.
All this to say that we as a MomGen need to lighten up on ourselves a bit. The fact is, we are all just doing the best we can. Whether we work full-time office jobs, or full-time Mom jobs, being a parent is tough shit. We need to stop shaming, and blaming and griping and triping (ya, I know, not a word, but just pretend it is and then make it mean the same as trippin') and just move forward. God willing, as long as we just love them, support them as best we can, and provide them with the tools they to make good choices, all will come out fine, and we will keep them off the pole. All we can do is pray - and cut ourselves a little slack sometimes. Lord knows I need to!
Foul mouthed, outspoken and pretty much an eternal realist.