I decided today that I am going on sabbatical. While all the world is undeniably ragged from the stress, fear, frustration, aggravation and exhaustion that the COVIDs have brought upon us - I think us working moms get the cake for holding it together on brink of insanity. The constant juggle of kids, colleagues, home chores and husbands is enough to make anyone mad. And so, I have decided, I'm effing done.
Outside perspective says I operate in a constant state of "Too Much". I yell too much, swear too much, and overreact too much when it comes to my children acting defiantly. This constant state of overaction then causes my childen to act like assholes, just to get a rise out of me..which works beautifully, ultimately sending me into a shame spiral where I then cry too much. Why? Well, for one, I never signed up for this shit. When I conceded with the Universe that I would do this kid thing (something I was NEVER fully equipped for) I did not agree to being home all the time, holding a job, teaching them to be upstanding citizens and aces at Common Core Math. Nope, never agreed to that. Pretty sure had I formally contracted this deal I would have picked that out of the fine print and demanded its immediate removal before signature. But nooo...here I am...doing all these things...no vacation, no break, no relief. Until I realized there might be an out.
At first I thought I had been punched in the face. What do you mean I can't be everything to everyone?!? How dare you think I can't be a stellar Leader, amazing Wife AND Super Mom. I can be all these things!!! But notice for one moment what wasn't in there - the part where I was still just Me. While I was simultaneously building C-Suite PowerPoints, doing laundry and fighting over WTF a consonant digraph was, there was one thing missing...Me. I had turned into a haggard, dry shampoo for days, toes like a sloth, screaming, irate, legging wearing monster. And I didn't like it one bit - it wasn't me. It wasn't the person I ever wanted to be...but it was the person I had become.
So, in the midst of exploring how much I had failed as a parent, I decided that I was done being Bad Cop. I was over being the disciplinarian, the first responder, the hard ass - Atlas holding up the effing world....I was going on Sabbatical. And so I have.
While he is super amazing and a true partner already, Daddy can now be all those things FULL TIME. Daddy can be the one to make the rules and uphold them. Daddy can be the one to set parameters and determine when they have been breached. Daddy can be the mean guy, because I am going back to being Fun Girl. The happy table dancing girl that only screamed when drunk morons would bump my cocktail in a bar. That girl was way better than Mommy Monster.
This is Day 1 - or one could say, Ground Zero. We shall see how it goes. I have faith that Hubs will conquer this task with flying colors, really. He is far more level headed and patient than I am...much more cut out for this than me. Maybe he can single-handedly keep our children out of therapy, because God knows that I would get us a group discount with that therapist. Meanwhile, I am going to sit back, enjoy my Zoom calls with fewer interruptions, listen intently when my daughter defiantly just spills paint all over her room and hand over the towel when my son decides that carrying water from the bathroom through the entire house to the backyard in a broken leaky cup is a great idea. I hope to walk away from all this with some actionable strategies on how to be a better Mom. One that holds it all together and is her best June Cleaver self under all this bullshit stress. I'll keep you all posted...this is gonna be fun.
Foul mouthed, outspoken and pretty much an eternal realist.