I may have had a revelation today. Over the last couple of months, it has been pointed out to me multiple times that I walk around looking really mean or angry. At one point even, one of my coworkers that I only see at events said I needed to smile more, which of course pissed me off (Douchebag) and had the opposite effect.
In any case, it has become painfully aware to me that I walk around with what has been defined by Urban Dictionary as a "Resting Bitch Face" or "RBF". From what I hear, if I am on a mission, or thinking really hard, or actively listening...I look like Wolverine coming to slice your face off. This, as you can imagine, becomes a major problem, since I constantly walk with purpose, am often deep into 17 monkey brain thoughts at one time, and am always at least TRYING to listen intently to whomever is speaking. As the head of Business Development, if you are walking up to me and I resemble whatever the angriest of the Angry Birds looks like, it is sort of bad for business.
So now to the revelation. It dawned on me that I have had so many jobs where I contribute so much and work really hard, but people either love me or they hate me. And when they hate me...it's like Christian Slater gets one Heather to kill you, hatred. I could never understand it.
Let me pause for a second and point out that I am fully self-aware of the fact that I am a super high "D" on the DISC assessment, a crazy Type A, and a total Driver -so ya, there is a natural Bitch factor to me anyway...but this idea that people SEE a Bitch as I am walking down the hall, without even speaking to me is making me realize how much more my fault this dislike is. And that pretty much sucks, because 1) I think I am a really fun gal, and 2) I really like playing the victim and blaming other people for my misfortunes. Revelations blow.
In response to this recent discovery, I have been actively trying to change my facial expression as I walk around the office. This is tough, since people who walk around with huge smiles on their faces either creep me out because I think they are high, or look like complete dildos because they look goofy. I am already goofy enough when I open my mouth - I don't need to add more fuel to that fire. I am working on softer; relaxing my forehead, smiling with my eyes...looking approachable.
All I can say is that it's progressive. I am sort of stuck between The Godfather and the Confused emoticon at the moment, but hopefully getting better. I will admit that physically, it does FEEL lighter and happier. I am telling myself that the release of the forehead pressure is enough to hold me off from Botox for another couple of years. I doubt that is the case though, since 40 years of RBF has taken its toll. The swimlanes on my forehead and crows feet on my nose are the side effects of thinking really hard all my life. Sue me for being an intellectual.
But we shall see. I am going to take this as an experiement to see if I can change perceptions, by simply changing my resting face. Then, if not, then fuck everyone...it's all your fault.
Foul mouthed, outspoken and pretty much an eternal realist.