Soooo...I am thinking that I may have a bunch of un-diagnosed psychoses (is that event the word??) going on in this head of mine. I mean, I have always admitted to being bat shit crazy, there's no denying that, but I think it is really starting to effect my everyday way of life.
Let's put aside that I think I am for sure ADHD - my assistant with vouch for that. Or that all those years of excessive partying have, without a doubt, depleted all my dopamine reserves, making me a variable ass hat to just about everyone that crosses me. Let's put all that in a box and unpack it at a later date. For today's discussion, we can simply focus on my ability to obsess over seemingly stupid, pointless and uncontrollable things. I can't let them go. I sit there, over-analyze them, reanalyze them, then over-analyze them again. Any attempts of utilizing any sort of "Letting Go" method is truly futile. I keep trying, and it keeps coming back.
Interestingly, some of my obsessions are at least somewhat productive. Take hotel rooms for example - I am a complete and utter hotel snob. Much to my husband's chagrin, I am pretty much 100% guaranteed to get into any hotel room and immediately call the front desk to change. Don't ask me why, but I am never satisfied with the first one. Now, I will tell you, that nine times out of ten, after huffing and puffing and getting all bitter that I can't just take the effing hotel room and be happy, Hubs is usually thanking me, because we have gotten a bigger room, a better view, a more premium spot or whatever. The way I look at it, these types of obsessions are for the greater good, so, you're welcome.
However, the majority of my obsessions come in the form of me not letting go of some idea that I have in my head, a story if you will, of whomever or whatever I feel is important at the time. A quick search on the National Institute of Mental Health website defines Obsessive Compulsive Distorder as "... a common, chronic and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over." Welp, that pretty much sums up my day. Awesome. I might as well be locking and unlocking my door 17 times and never stepping on cracks on the street - wait...I already do that.
What I want to be able to do is blame this disorder on all the assholes out there that make me think and feel this way. Ya ya, I get it, nobody can "make you feel any way but you". And I agree with that - but I don't imagine this shit to begin with - the stories or people come from somewhere. So to all those bosses who I end up obsessing over because you hate me - and then I ultimately sabotage my own career trying to get the hell away from you, to the mental escapes that consume my day deeming me patently unproductive, to the ego inside my own head constantly telling me I am worthless - FUCK ALL Y'ALL. This shit has got to end.
Two of my favorite books of all time are by David R. Hawking, Ph.D -"Power versus Force" and "Letting Go - The Pathway of Surrender". In both these books, Dr. Hawking talks about the variable energy field that we and all beings omit. Depending on your mental state, you omit certain frequencies, and then those frequencies in turn attract similar energy into your life. Law of Attraction type stuff. Like attracts like. In "Letting Go" he explains how one needs to just be one with a feeling, in order to take away its energy. Then you can simply release and let it go. I do this, probably 187 million times a day. No joke, I am pretty sure I am trying to let go of at least 187 things at any given moment. It's exhausting. What I wish, was that I never obsessed in the first place. That before it actually became something I needed to let go, I would just not let it be a thing at all.
But the truth is, I don't know if there is any human on the planet that doesn't obsess over SOMETHING. Most narcissists obsess over themselves. Most pessimists obsess over the negative. Optimist obsess over the positive. Bird people on birds, cat people on cats. Everyone has a little bit of crazy in them. Heck, even Mother Theresa was insistent to make the world a better place. So really, maybe I just need to use all this crazy for good.
That's it! That's the game plan. I gotta get out of my own head, and put all this back into giving back to the world around me. I gotta get out of myself, and back into the greater good. Put the "all" back in altruism. Maybe we all should do that. Taking a moment to act beyond ourselves is the best thing we can do.
Now...where is that damn Junior League group I keep paying dues to and never do anything...Mamas - I'm coming home.
Foul mouthed, outspoken and pretty much an eternal realist.