Fear

Is anyone else out there just as fucking terrified as I am?  Not about anything in particular, but just everything?  I think my whole life stems around fear - and I wish I could kick my own ass and tell my head to shut the fuck up.  I wish I could simply just BE...and from that, be happy, be content, be present and be ME.

I am pretty sure I spend the majority of my time in my head - doubting my abilities, worried about what people are thinking, dwelling over what COULD happen with my job, wondering if I should be someone I am not...it's fucking maddening!  How many times do I need to tell myself that I can only be who I am, and dammit, that is good enough, before I start listening?  I think I must love to be psychotic, because I sure as hell love to live in my personal drama 24/7.

All this being said, I realize that my self-talk is so terrible, I wouldn't say it to my worst enemy.  I am also very aware of the fact that if I ever heard my daughter saying any of these things to herself, I would jump on her like stink on shit and change the energy.  So tonight, I am going to try to give myself advice I would give my daughter. 

Image Source: Readers Digest

1. The single most important thing you can do is be true to yourself.  If you try to be someone you aren't, you will either fail or be miserable or both.  You are amazing just the way you are - own it!
2. Learn to love yourself, because if you can't love yourself, how can you expect to love others or have others love you.  
3. Just do the best you can, that is all you can do. But, you gotta be super honest with yourself. Don't do something half-ass, say it was your hardest and then feel bummed somebody called your bluff.  Honestly and truly do the absolute best you can do, and if it isn't good enough for someone, fuck 'em - at least you know in your heart you gave it your all.  
4. As much as you want everyone to like you..they just won't - stop trying.  You are going to meet people in your life that have some pheromone shit going on, where they can be complete assholes and still get away with being worshiped...but not everyone is that lucky. For the rest of us, all you can be is who you are and hope you find people that respect that.  Your good friends are the ones that love you for all your imperfections. - everyone else is superfluous.
5. Finally - forgive yourself.  You are going to make a shit ton of mistakes. You are going to do things you regret.  You are going to dwell on things that are done and in the past.  My advice to you - just learn from them.  Don't wallow in what you did, what could be, or how humiliated you are.  Focus on what you could do different next time, and then just let it go.  Let go of your guilt and humiliation and forgive yourself.  You can't change what you did, but you can change how you do it in the future.

​Honestly, this shit is so hard for me to live, I don't know what else to say. I give great advice...but I very seldom follow it.  And with that...I am going to go wallow in how bad this post is...and go to bed.  Good talk.