Days

What the fuck happened to all the hours in a day?  Before we unpack that one, I guess the first most logical question we should ask is, what the fuck did we USED TO DO with all the hours in a day BC?  For those of you not familiar with acronym "BC", it stands for "Before Children". You remember, it was that time in your life when "Poopies" was not a topic of conversation you regularly had on a daily basis - excusing the pun of course. 

It seems only fitting for the term "BC" to sound ancient because quite frankly it might as well be the Cretaceous period in my lifeline.  Yes, it was only 5 years ago, but the silence and solitude that was no children seems like such a distant past, it is but a faint recollection, remembered only through the pouring over of Facebook memories searching for some sign that you once had a life.  Turns out you did...it was amazing.

Now don't get me wrong - I love my children, we are blessed and I wouldn't trade my time with them for the world, they are my life.  BUT - sometimes I miss just doing fucking nothing, or, doing everything with your free time, It was truly free time, it was  your choice. It was glorious. And I so thought I was busy back then, that I had no time.  I wish Current Me could go back and bitch slap Past Me - I was a dumb ass.

These days I make a good mental effort to try and wake up three days a week at 5:00 am to workout for 20 minutes.  Key terms here are "try" and "three" -  I have yet to 100% accomplish that weekly  goal.  The baby starts stirring at 5:15. On the good days when  I can pacify him, I can get a short workout in. If not, or if I just need a bit more sleep because he had me up a few times overnight,  I spend the rest of the day feeling like a lard - and then I eat the cupcakes someone brings into the office. Vicious circle.

Then, the day begins: Breakfasts, argumentative dressing (aka:  7 minute  negotiation with a 4 year old regarding cowboy boots that are a couple sizes too big), gathering of all the daily shit required, getting out the door, daycare drop-off, traffic, full workday, traffic, day care pick-up and then activities.

Let's park here for a second - kid activities are a pain in the ass for the parent - why do we force our kids to do so many of them?!  We are only punishing ourselves, and some of the time we have to expend so much energy to get them to focus, it isn't even worth it.  And why the fuck as an adult BC,  did all those childhood activities not translate into me doing something productive with my time?  Like, once I got older, I should have been accustom to my afternoons and evenings being taken over by productive stuff like playing a sport, learning an instrument or taking an art class.  Instead, my evenings consisted of copious amounts of alcohol, an occasional work out, dinner with friends and binge watching anything on TV that sounded interesting.  I think when Hubs and I first started living together, we had like 12 different shows DVR'd.  Now, I am lucky if I have the energy to watch one 30-minute episode.

It really is the circle of life though; my mom carted me around town to various sports, Brownies, art classes - whatever. She sacrificed Her time just to ensure that we kids had shit to do.  And now I do it for my kid.  Swim lessons, gymnastics, art etc.  It's what we do I guess.

Once you you get home from your long ass day, your butt better be ready to rally.  Bottle washing, lunch packing, clutter clean up so you don't step on something painful in the middle of the night and POOF - it's 9:30.  This post alone has taken me three days to write since I am so fucking tired I pass out while typing. 

Activity free nights are not even remotely free.  Between Costco, laundry and who knows what the hell else, your time is just GONE.  And I have long since left the shame of that last load of laundry sitting in the dryer  for a week - too tired to deal. Fuck it. It will get done eventually - most likely on the next laundry day when I need the basket.

In any case, I miss my time, I want some back. I feel like even if it was just 30-minutes a day, I would be so much happier of a Mommy. But then on the flip side, I want to watch my kiddos grow - I can't get that time back either.  Fucking exausting dilema.  Yet again, another thing they should warn you about before you try for kids. At least then you can mentally prepare. Instead, we are left longing - and using the 10 minute we can stay awake to search for vacations to take without kids. One can dream.