Spoiler alert - this post is not about Mommyhood per se...and more of a Diary of the Scorned type entry. This form of confessional is why I started blogging in the first place - I needed an outlet. If you don't want to hear me run through the mental hallucinations and tribulations that are my head, check back next week for more on the trials and terrors of being an aging working mom.
For the rest of you that love Misery and need some company - here we go - I think I am permanently scarred. 2017 was a rough, no, not rough, but taxing year for me. Even though I should have been rejoicing at the birth of my son, I still find myself seething from the separation from my last company. That is being nice - they laid me off while I was on maternity leave - after I spent a year trying to fit a mold of what they wanted - yes, they suck. But you know what, I need to just let that shit go.
I am not even going to tell you how many books I have read trying to do that. I mean, I had trust issues before all that shit went down - now I feel like I am a Bubble Boy or something - insulating myself from everything and just living in constant terror that I am not good enough, or that I don't belong anywhere I find myself constantly questioning my abilities. Which sucks, because honestly, I want to just accept that who I am is pretty fucking great, and I belong in a place that embraces that.
I am pretty lucky, I feel like I have found that place - but getting back to being scarred for life - I can't just trust that it is going to be okay and enjoy it. Why is it we feel that the bottom is always going to drop out? Why can't we just feel happy when we are? Why can't we admit our happiness and trust that the universe has it all worked out? Why do we always have to ask why??
Living in fear about what may or may not happen is no way to live. I don't want to exist like this anymore - and I am determined to take the journey to figuring out how to change it. 2018 is being coined as my 40Gold Year. I turn 40, I need to lose 40 pounds, I want to make some great money and I want to find my Shiny Zone - named in part with Tamatoa from Moana in mind - "I would rather be Shiny" - minus the fact that he is actually a bad guy and pretty much a bully in that scene, but we will forget about that and just think about the shiny, non-kill Maui parts of the song. Ok, come to think of it, maybe that is a bad example. In any case, I want to be the brightest person in the room that helps to light everyone else up. I don't want to wear fear - I want to wear glitter and sunshine and rainbows - I want to be Poppy from Trolls! Jeez, have I seen ANY adult movies lately?? I need a fucking date night.
So friends, here you are with me - today is day number one of my 40Gold journey. Today's Afirmation: "I am not afraid to be who I am, embrace it and let it shine out!"
With that, I hope we can all just believe in who we are, embrace it and let the world know we are proud of it. Feel free to send this to any of your friends that need a reminder that they rock for who they are (and for having you as a friend). Happy Tuesday, y'all.
Foul mouthed, outspoken and pretty much an eternal realist.