There are moments in a parent's life when they wonder how bat shit crazy that stork must have been to think they were capable of being a viable parent. You know the scenes - incidents when you hate yourself for screaming at your helpless potty training kid, for having had a poo accident in a department store and literally contaminating everything between the crime scene and the bathroom, forcing you to buy $200 worth of shit you don't need out of guilt, disgust and embarrassment - all the while, wondering why the hell you had kids to begin with. Or the nights, after a long and exhausting day, where you plop your kid in front of the TV, just so you can have a moment of veg and peace. Or the times when you immediately hand your kid your phone in a restaurant, already running the NickJR app, just so you can enjoy a conversation with grown ups for like 20 minutes. Or...in my case...the day the school asked my 6 year old to tell them "All About Mommy".
Ladies and Gentleman, what you see to the right and below is real - it is unedited, and only the names have been crossed out to avoid CPS detection. Please note, my daughter is 5, so she did not write these answers, she dictated them to someone else, who wrote them for her. So yes, there is at least one adult witness to these.
The day I found this in my daughter's backpack, I laughed and cried simultaneously. On the one hand, I was proud that my daughter was so accurate with some of her answers. On the other hand, did I mention CPS?
Let's break this little gem down piece by piece, shall we?
Question 1: Name - good job Sweetie, so glad you actually knew my name - and didn't just put "Hey Mom" in the blank space.
Question 2: Age - 18 - thanks Baby Girl - if only. At 18, I might have actually had energy to handle two kids. OH, and if that were true, then your ass would be in college now, and I would have my life back - with a little time left to enjoy it.
Questions 3,4 and 5: I do love to snuggle - that is super cute, I do tell her not to interrupt - that she interrupts me while saying it and best of all, I know she knows I love her. Bravo. #MomWIN
Question 6 - harmless, I pretty much love me some protein and veggies - but I was both thoroughly impressed and slightly disturbed by that fact that she speaks in descriptive dietary terms. She is either going to be the healthiest kid on the planet, or well on her way to a lifetime full of yo-yo dieting and negative body image like the rest of us crazy women.
That was the easy part - if only she'd stay in that vein. But noooo.
Question 7 - Yup, my 5 year old told her recorder that her Mommy "likes to drink VODKA". First of all, what kind of fucked up teacher asks a kid what their Mommy likes to drink? A teacher that knows the answer is going to be something to call CPS about for sure!! I feel violated and set up. If 75% of the class didn't have "Wine", "Mommy's Juice" or "Cocktails" then those fucking kids aren't paying attention - and shame on their parents for lying to them. On the flip-side, clearly I am too honest with my kid, because she flat out said "Vodka" - quite specific, but also, extremely accurate. YES teacher, my Mommy drinks Vodka. And to the teacher that was passing judgment - fuck you - if you don't smoke weed every night when you get home after dealing with like 70 Kindergartners, then you are the fucking crazy one.
Question 8- My mom's job is to "GET MONEY". Well, again, factually accurate, but also not very elegant. I feel like I may need to stop talking about vodka, and start explaining to her what I do for a living. I mean, technically I am in sales, so GET MONEY is 100% the goal, but she comes from a long line of Marketers - we gotta work on her creativity.
Question 9 - and hands down, the most fucked up of them all - "When my Mommy is alone she likes to"...wait for it.." go out and drink at a bar". YUP. That was her answer. My kid thinks that when I am alone, I go out and drink at a bar. Now, first of all - aside from work travel where it is a common occurrence to eat alone and have a cocktail with dinner- I don't think I have ever, in my life, gone out alone to drink at a bar. I feel like that is breaking every cardinal chick rule of common sense. Girls don't drink at bars alone - you are asking to be Ruffied. That's just nonsense. And also, when I am alone, I am usually going to Costco, or in a miracle moment, getting my hair done, or going to workout to attempt to hide my hideous post 2 babies belly, or any number of other errands that work far better alone. Would I like to go out and drink at a bar - SURE! Alone, no, but go out for sure! Seriously, where in fuck's name did she get that crap from? Best part? Ya, the teacher now thinks I drink vodka at home, then go out to a bar alone to drink more. #MomOfTheYear.
And finally - Question 10 - she closes strong with "I love my mom because..." to which my kid replied, "because she gives me everything". Bravo kiddo - your teenage, drunk Mom spoils you rotten - awesome.
All and all, I have to say, in some ways, the kid has me pinned. Someday, when she is a teenager, and I am checked into Passages Malibu, because she has officially driven me to drink - she will look back on this Kinder treasure and laugh. But I can't help but wonder - have I been too honest with my kid? Should I have been lying and embellishing and giving her the June Cleaver treatment? Cuz truthfully, I think that is bullshit.
My answer to myself is no. At the end of the day, we are all only doing the best we can, and if the best I can do is be wildly transparent with my kid, and treat her like the mature little kid she is, then that is what she is going to get.
That being said, as of this moment, I put a Sicilian Blessing (aka curse) on my girl that she will have a daughter just like her someday. Watch out Baby Girl - your Nani pulled that shit on me when I was 16 - and here you are - and I couldn't be more blessed. Feel free to come visit me in the Old Folks Home in Florida when your daughter dictates your Biography. God Willing I will be there to see it.
Foul mouthed, outspoken and pretty much an eternal realist.