A big Howdy-Doody Fuck You to Overachiever, who has now single-handedly forced "Keeping up with the Joneses" to apply to 5-year old sleepovers. They are five, the standard should be looooowww. And by low, I mean like borderline prison rations low. But no, Overachiever goes out and creates welcome gifts complete with matching boas, fairy wings, sequined crowns, unicorn personalized water bottles and of course, sleeping masks. But she doesn't stop there...nooooo...she decides that she really has to up the bar, so why not start sewing at like midnight and Betsy Ross a few matching princess blankets for the little shits? Ya know, just in case they needed to be reminded of their painfully gilded lives.
What was I planning on doing had I been in charge? Throwing them all on the floor with some blankets, some popcorn and a Netflix movie and calling it a night. Well that shit can never happen now. Nope...I am already planning what I need to do when I host. So far, I contemplating a small wedding size budget complete with a tie-die station, individual air mattresses with matching microfiber sheets, overnight kits including toothbrushes and washclothes, similar to those found in first class cabins, a bedazzle your own nightshirt station and warm donuts and scented washclothes upon awaking. W.T.F. I don't even get that kind of treatment when I pay obscene amounts of money to go to a spa - which by the way never happens because, well...let's be real, I am a working mom so my only free time goes to venting on this fucking blog. But did I mention these kids are five?
In any case, I have to say, as much as she sets standards to ridiculously ludicrous heights, I am lucky as fuck that she is a friend, and that our daughters are part of a pretty strong best-girlfriend triad. I mean, how charmed of a life does my kid have that this was her first sleepover experience? In my day, you were lucky if your friend's Mom gave you a clean blanket, let alone sewed you one. It was a SCORE if you had a pillow if you forgot yours. Hell, I remember just praying I did't fall asleep first so my underwear wasn't frozen by that asshole girlfriend we all had in our youth. Times have changed...and apparently so have sleepovers.
Overachiever, I love you and I hate you. You are an incredible Mom that helps to show the rest of us lazy loafs how shitty we are at this. For that, I thank you, because it forces us to up our MomGame. Thank you for being the bravest of them all and hosting the first sleepover - and thank yo for just being you - you always give me great content. Sleep Tight Soldiers!
Foul mouthed, outspoken and pretty much an eternal realist.